“The Other Side” by Jasmine Rhodes
I lost my dating app virginity in February of 2020, while trying to keep my 13-year marriage on life support. I’m sure that statement raises a few questions, the first of which is likely “why would you start dating while you were still married?!”. There is a long story there, but the simple(r) answer is: I’m gay and was in an open straight marriage. While I say my marriage was open, it should also be known that I never actually took any action in that regard. I know, more questions… But the thing is, I knew deep down that being with women again would be opening Pandora’s proverbial box and that there would quite likely be no turning back once I did. At this point in our unraveling however, the relationship had reached something of a stalemate. He needed more from me, and I needed to figure out if I was actually too gay to play the role of Straight Wife any longer or if I was, in fact, just dead inside.
So, after years of not ever “using my pass”, it was time to throw some accelerant on this house fire and see what rose from the ashes. Enter feeld. If you’re not familiar, feeld is one of the more inclusive/open minded dating apps (think non-monogamy/kink/fetish/etc). If you are familiar, you may be laughing your ass off right now because for an app newbie, feeld is… a lot. Before I was able to come to that conclusion though, I had to get over the giant hurdle of making my first ever dating profile. I remember seeing friends of mine using dating apps. They would pull out their phones at the bar and we would read profiles and laugh or roll our eyes, and they would swipe accordingly, but when it came creating my own, it was terribly nerve-wracking. I am notoriously awkward in new social situations, but (I’m told) it can be endearing, and I probably feel more awkward than I actually present to be. But that is in person. This new kind of first impression was based on random pictures from my phone – not too many selfies, people will think you have no friends; don’t use photos with friends that are hotter than you; make sure you use at least one full body picture – and as much of my personality as I can present in 500 characters or less. No pressure.
Once my profile was live, it took about a week of Google education to figure out how to decode the dozens of acronyms and unfamiliar terms (some of which I wish I didn’t actually learn, but that will stay with me forever) before I was able to even think about swiping on anyone. Then about a week in, it struck me how bizarre it is to essentially be shopping online for a human being that I would be having an authorized extramarital affair with. Not only that, but I saw someone I knew on the app, and for the first time it occurred to me that SOMEONE I KNEW MIGHT SEE ME. Life had officially reached weird. I closed out of the app, and went to bed, telling myself that I was not actually a shallow person for immediately swiping away woman after woman based solely on their looks – this is just the nature of the beast, 21st century dating.
The next morning, I got a notification. I had matched with one of the 3 women I had swiped on, the one with the sexy smile. I would like to say that I opened her message, and confidently wrote back with something clever and charming, but alas, that would be a big fat lie. Even now, over a year later, writing something she’ll never read, my mind goes blank when I try to think of something. What actually happened is… I panicked and put my phone down without opening the message, lest she see that I read it and said nothing in return. Later that night, I was out at a bar with a friend of a friend who had invited me to some lesbian meet- up (that I still can’t believe I agreed to, as it was lightyears outside of my comfort zone) and I showed her “the message”.
What happened next effectively changed my life forever. And yes, I do realize that sounds dramatic AF. But I assure you, it is the truth. Ok, back to the bar…. This broad grabs my phone, opens the message, and RESPONDS! AS ME! But she didn’t just say hi and casually ask about her day, she wrote “Hey there sexy. Let’s meet up for a drink. Hit me up.” Before I can even process what is happening, Sexy Smile writes back. She wants to meet, and gives me her number! This ride went zero to a thousand in less than a minute, and I was pretty sure I was going to throw up. Instead, I took a deep breath and made a decision – that was entirely based on two things: something I saw on Instagram once that said “everything you want is on the other side of fear”; and my unwavering faith in the divine. I texted this stranger that I met online and told her where I was and invited her to meet me for a drink if she wasn’t busy. As it turns out she was planning to go to that very same bar later that night. I realize that this could have gone terribly for any number of reasons, up to and including kidnapping and murder, but the good news is: it did not. Sexy Smile showed up, we hit it off, I told her about my unconventional situation, and she wasn’t put off by it. By the end of the night, we had made out in the photo booth, and agreed we wanted to see each other again.
Of course, there was a catch… You see, the date of this serendipitous event was March 13, 2020. In California, that was the last Friday night before the whole state went into quarantine. Consequently, meeting up again was slightly more difficult. We texted and had facetime dates, but eventually gave in and agreed to a Covid bubble. By now you may be wondering, what is so life changing? Well, other than the obvious global pandemic, the answer is: I was right (as I typically am). Pandora’s box was open, the mystery was solved, I am hella gay, and there was no going back. We went from an open marriage, to separated, to filing for divorce. No, it wasn’t that easy, but this isn’t my memoirs so I’m giving you the Cliff’s Notes. Things with Sexy Smile lasted several weeks, but ultimately neither of us had the bandwidth for dating -in-a -pandemic-while-one-of-us-gets-divorced.
A few months later, once the dust had settled and the smoke had cleared, I threw my hat back in the ring. No more alternative dating apps for me this time around, just good old-fashioned Tinder. There was less Googling involved, but I still never did get comfortable with the whole thing. To be fair, I was also really only active on Tinder for a few weeks, and never tried any other apps. I matched with a few people, and went on a few dates, and then I met… her. The one with eyes the color of the ocean. Our first date lasted over 8 hours, ended awkwardly, and frankly I wasn’t entirely sure if she even liked me. But I still stopped talking to other women and couldn’t wait to see her again. We spent our second date at the beach (my lifelong happy place) making out on a blanket, and watching the sunset (my all-time favorite natural phenomenon). Kissing her felt like falling apart and becoming whole all at once. That was nearly a year ago, and I still get butterflies when she tells me she loves me.
